Always starting over.

I’d like to believe I’m not crazy when it comes to stopping and starting online projects. From podcasts to blogs to portfolios, I find myself always starting over. This blog, for instance, is a good example of things I continue to futz with but never really finish. Surely there’s some kind of medical diagnosis for whatever this condition is…

As I begin with this site yet again, I find myself in a pattern of creation and destruction. I’ve owned this domain – mrdaveclements.com – for quite some time now, but it’s never been one thing. At the start, it was a portfolio for the design work I was doing in my free time and for friends. It then changed to a blog where I could ramble about every little thing that came to my mind. Most recently, it has become a sort of testing ground for my job.

These are all fine, I suppose, as I’m not running a business from this website and I’m not looking to gain any kind of notoriety from the paragraphs of prose here. Nevertheless, I can’t help but wonder why I can’t let it be.

I’ve done this for as long as I remember. As a child I loved drawing and wanted to be a comic book artist. As a teenager I wanted to be a storyteller using my drawing abilities. As an older teenager, I looked to become a graphic designer. On and on I would change my mind and dabble in new projects – guitar, design, podcasts, Dungeons & Dragons, board games – the list of my interests is close to infinite. From the outside you might look at me and believe I’m not content. I would have to agree with you.

My contentedness is an odd thing. I look at the world thinking, “What can I do to make this better?” It’s not a philosophical or philanthropic thought, though. Oddly enough, it’s not necessarily a self-improvement point-of-view, either. Are you confused with how my mind works yet?

The best example of what I’m talking about is podcast cover art. Considering I’m a support tech for Blubrry full-time, I do see my fair share of artwork and there’s plenty of it that could use some help. During the day, if I see something particularly frightening, I’ll save the image to my desktop. Later, I’ll spend my personal time re-designing it. Once I’ve finished… I delete it.

I’ve performed this mindless feat for years now and it’s truly madness. Some would call it an exercise in design, but that’s not how I see it. It’s some form of insanity. It has to be, right?

This is the way my brain operates. Right now, as I’m typing the words you’re reading, all I want to do is close this tab and not save a single word. No particular reason, I just don’t feel like finishing it. Or maybe I want to re-write it because, in my mind, it doesn’t feel like something I need to waste time doing? Or no one will read it?

It all leads back to the beginning: I’m always starting over. Am I the embodiment of Groundhog Day? Possibly! I may never understand why I do the things I do, but that’s OK. It makes me who I am. Who cares if I never finish the piddly things?

Welcome to my world. Enjoy the site as I continue to build and re-build whatever it becomes. There will be many more blog posts, podcasts, and other randomness here for you to enjoy. I’ll try my best to keep from starting it all over again. Leave me a comment if there’s a particular thing I’ve made you’d like to see more of.